I am awake. I am awake because of my cell phone. I am awake because someone decided that 11:22 p.m. was an appropriate time to call me. I was asleep you see, until the incessant buzzing tore me from a decidedly interesting dream. I felt around for the demon phone with thoughts of ‘die bitch, die’ in my head. Of course I missed the call, and realized that I didn’t even recognize the number. I realized this after cursing profusely, banging my knuckles rather hard on the headboard and throwing down the glass of water while trying to reach for the reading lamp.

This experience and the resulting insomnia, have led me to put together a few handy tips. I must apologize for the sarcasm but the part of my brain which should exercise control is still asleep (lucky bastard).

1. Unless you are my girlfriend, or at least someone to whom I have expressly stated that I enjoy our intelligent conversations, please do not expect that I am going to listen to you drone on for hours. I do have a life and could be doing something vastly more exciting…like watching my toenails grow. If I say I have to go, it means just that.

2. Anyone who has had the misfortune of waking me up would have quickly realized that my voice alternates between that of a twelve year old boy and a twelve year old boy who has swallowed copious amounts of sand. Why anyone would wish to be subjected to this is beyond me. I am also neither fully coherent nor pleased at having to try to string together a rational thought. If you do call me between the hours of 8 p.m. to 6 a.m. please ensure that one of the following conditions apply:

  • Someone has died,
  • You yourself are dying,
  • You’ve been in an accident and fear that you are dying,
  • You’re an incredibly hot, incredibly horny woman who needs me right away.

3. Like a number of people, I do not answer my phone if I do not recognize the number, for no reason other than the (m)asses who routinely cannot punch in a correct sequence of numbers. If I’ve already told you three times that no, this is not Susan’s number, why do you assume that it will be on the fourth try? My personal favorite is the piece of genetic refuse who, over a period of days would call and each time I asked ‘Who would you like to speak to?’ would respond with the remarkably witty ‘You”. They eventually stopped after I, quite colorfully, inquired as to which was included in their family lineage: the pet Doberman or the Pekingese, and (from personal experience) does inbreeding in fact lead to a reduction in intelligence?

As a result of this, while I may not be the most technologically savvy individual in the world, I have miraculously mastered the art of checking my voicemail. It is the method I use to screen my calls. Consequently, if I don’t know who you are and you don’t leave a message, I will not get back to you. It really is a simple concept.

Follow these simple tips and I will not be tempted to bribe someone at the phone company so I can hunt you down, locate the last functioning outhouse in the country and deposit your cell phone into its depths. Yes, I have put some thought into an appropriate revenge.