Red Velour was sitting impatiently in Chief Shufflebottom’s office, wondering what sort of trouble she could have possibly gotten herself into now. Well there was that little incident with the Mayor’s daughter but, in her defense, she hadn’t even been in the room at the time. Sure she had left the delectable blonde alone with her treasure trove of sex toys but seriously, who puts one of those up there? It wasn’t her fault the damn thing got stuck. She had hoped the ensuing embarrassment, and trip to the emergency room, would have been enough to keep the whole thing quiet. Of course there was always a chance that one of the hospital staff had blabbed though. Perhaps a little lesson with her red riding crop was in order. Now there was a delicious thought.
By the time Chief Shufflebottom made it back from his half hour trek to the water cooler, Red was practically foaming at the mouth. He shook his head, passed her a tissue, and tried desperately not to think about what might be going on in her mind. He had actually been bold enough to inquire once and had been treated to a three hour discourse on the proper application of bondage knots. He had never asked again.
For her part, Red wasn’t particularly pleased at being pulled out of a very pleasurable daydream, but at least she could revisit it later that night, when she was all alone. She glanced over at Chief Shufflebottom and that idea derailed and plummeted off a cliff. Red could have sworn she heard an almost human scream when he poured himself into his chair. She wasn’t sure whether it was because of his elephantine proportions or the fact that he wasn’t wearing any pants.
The Chief was one of the good guys. He was always fair, he listened, and he allowed them a lot of leeway as long as they got their cases solved. Unfortunately, he was also a bit cracked in the head and had somehow gotten the idea that aliens were trying to control him through his zipper. Red couldn’t understand why he didn’t just switch to slacks. Instead he had chosen to eschew pants altogether. Red wouldn’t have minded, given that she was currently clothed in a red bustier and matching leather miniskirt, except for one thing. The Chief’s penchant for women’s underwear, specifically pink thongs, was a legend around the office. Thankfully his assorted bits were hidden from sight once he got behind his desk.
“Red, I called you in here because we’ve got a huge problem.”
“Sir, about that, it really wasn’t my fault…”
“What on earth are you talking about now Red?” The Chief felt a headache coming on. Whatever it was, he didn’t want to know about it. His mind was still reeling from Snow White’s wedding. Apparently Red hadn’t quite gotten that, when the minister said ‘you may now kiss the bride’, he was talking to the groom.
“Er, nothing. Carry on.” Red breathed a sigh of relief.
“We’ve gotten word that there’s a Big, Bad Wolf out there.” Chief Shufflebottom adjusted himself uncomfortably. Perhaps he should have worn his matching baby blue set instead.
“Uh, Chief, we’re surrounded by a forest. I’m pretty sure there are a bunch of wolves, and not all of them are nice.”
“Yes, but this one is going around scaring little girls and attacking their muffins.”
“Say what now?”
“That’s right. He’s been nibbling their warm cookies.”
“We’ve got a perv wolf on the loose?”
“Huh? Well I wouldn’t know about that. I just know that he’s been taking bites out of their sweet, sticky tarts.”
“Chief!” Red was beside herself. Even she had her limits. If this wolf had been attacking kids, she’d show him all kinds of pain…and not the good kind. She had her straitjacket at home but she couldn’t for the life of her remember if Rapunzel had returned her gag and paddles.
“Oh for the love of…” The Chief wondered whether or not anyone would notice if he started banging his head against the desk. Then he wondered if his head could actually reach his desk. “He’s been stealing baskets of baked goodies. Geez.”
“Oh.” Red at least had the good graces to look embarrassed. “Who reported the attacks?”
“Some of the girls and their parents. Your cousin was one of them.”
“Little Red Riding Hood?” Red thought back to the last time she had seen her young relative. It had been some years ago. Red wondered if she was still wearing that damn cape. Few people knew that her mom had made it for her after she’d hit a particularly rebellious phase and given herself a crew cut with a pair of rusty garden shears.
“Yes. We also got some information from the Three Little Pigs about a wolf prowling the path to Granny’s house.”
“The Three Little Pigs? Are those the guys who moved out to the woods because the villagers didn’t like them playing hide-the-sausage all the time? They always seemed a little off to me.” Red wasn’t the type to judge but those guys had a serious sausage fetish. They just couldn’t keep their hands off them. It didn’t matter if it belonged to them or someone else. The butcher had to be sedated after his entire stock went missing last month.
“Me too, but between them and the girls, I’m pretty sure something is going on. We just can’t keep having our delightful pastries stolen! Er, I mean, we can’t have our girls being traumatized.” Truth be told, Chief Shufflebottom didn’t really care about the girls. After all, none of them had been hurt. However, his Auntie Bracegirdle was supposed to send over some of her world famous sticky buns this weekend. If this nonsense continued, he might not even get them! Unthinkable!
“So what’s the plan Chief? Are we going hunting? We’ll need guns, big guns. And tasers…maybe a cattle prod.”
“A cattle prod?! What…never mind. I think the best course of action would be for you to go undercover.”
Red looked confused. “Chief, I’m pretty good under the covers, if I do say so myself, but I’m not sure how that’ll help us catch this wolf.”
“Not under covers! Undercover.” Chief Shufflebottom discretely opened his desk drawer to make sure his bottle of tequila was still there. He was going to need it.
“Ohhhh. I’m into role playing as much as the next person Chief, but I doubt very much I can pass for a teenager.” Red thought for a while. Maybe if she wore her cheerleader outfit.
“I don’t think that’ll be a problem. You’re kind of small. We’ll see if we can’t borrow Red Riding Hood’s cape and you can act as a decoy. Most of the attacks occurred close to dusk and a lot of the forest paths have overhanging branches so it’s usually pretty dark. We’ll get the Seven Dwarves to hide and they’ll be your backup.”
“Great, and what’ll they do if a wolf actually shows up? Nip at his ankles?”
For the first time in this conversation, Chief Shufflebottom felt the beginning of a smile tugging at his lips. Or it could be a stroke. He probably shouldn’t have had those five lamb chops for breakfast.
“I know you can take care of yourself. Now get out of here. I’ll work out the details and get back to you so we can do a test run on Tuesday.”
“Sure thing Chief.” Red might not know much, but she knew one thing: this was a dumb idea.
Red felt like an ass. She’d been strutting her stuff back and forth in the woods and not a damn thing had happened so far. Well, she did get a nasty case of poison ivy in a decidedly inconvenient place, but what was she supposed to do? It’s not like the Chief had thought ahead to provide a Porta Potty. And that lecherous Prince Charming kept finding reasons for taking an evening stroll through the forest. The last time he had supposedly been hunting down the mosquito he was convinced had bitten him on the nose while he was sleeping. It was all too much. That’s why Red had decided to bake this batch of cookies herself, with a very special ingredient added in. And no, it wasn’t love.
Red was currently partaking of her latest creation when she heard a noise in the bushes off to her right. Should she investigate or not? The last time she had been curious, she had ended up running into Grumpy getting up close and personal with little grumpy. She shuddered. It was not something she wanted to experience again. Fate saved her from having to make a decision though when a large shape jumped out right at her.
“Grrr. Argghh. I’m the big, bad wolf.”
“Dude, are you serious? That’s not even a real tail.” Red stifled a laugh. The ‘creature’ before her was so obviously a man in what had to be the dumbest wolf costume she had ever seen.
“Yes it is.” Red’s would-be attacker looked seriously aggrieved.
“It’s like three inches long.”
“Haven’t you ever heard that old saying?”
Red gave the question serious consideration. She knew a fair amount of limericks, most of them involving Nantucket, but not many sayings. “One bush is worth two in the hand?”
“What? No! It’s not the size of the tail, it’s how you wag it.”
That got him a raised eyebrow. “Honey, I don’t think you’ll be wagging that thing anytime soon. Now beat it. Hey, stop touching yourself! I meant get out of here. I’m waiting for someone.”
“Wait a minute. Aren’t you the cop that’s looking for the Big Bad Wolf?”
“What? Where did you hear a thing like that?” Well so much for this being an undercover operation.
“From Little Red Riding Hood. She told me her cousin’s a cop and you’re looking for some wolf that’s been stealing girls’ baskets.”
“She did, did she?” Hmm, so what was it going to be? Strangulation or a good, old fashioned ass whooping? That kid needed to learn to keep her mouth shut.
“Yeah. I told her to be careful. She was supposed to take some cookies to Granny’s house today. I saw her a little while ago. She said her mom didn’t have a chance to bake last night so she stopped by your place and borrowed some of yours.”
“She borrowed some of my what?” The possibilities were endless, and none of them were good.
“Oh hell. Got to go.”
It was only much later that Red wondered how in the hell Little Red Riding Hood knew a character like that.
Meanwhile, Little Red Riding Hood had just made it to Granny’s house. She didn’t mind making the trek but Prince Naveen usually worked out on his balcony on Fridays and there was no way she was missing that. Hopefully Granny would be knocked out from all the painkillers she managed to steal from the doctor’s office. Granny abhorred illegal drugs in any form. Therefore, in her mind, the illegal procurement of legal drugs made perfect sense. Little Red Riding Hood knocked on the door, remembering the last time she had barged in unannounced, only to face the horror of Granny getting down to Baby Got Back in nothing but her birthday suit.
Thankfully, the only sound she heard was either a pneumatic drill or Granny’s snoring. She was pretty sure it was the latter, but with Granny you could never be certain. Little Red Riding Hood peeped inside and saw the old lady lying face first on her vibrating bed. Thank Heavens. She tiptoed to the nightstand and gently rested down the basket of cookies. With any luck she could make a clean getaway. She wasn’t counting on her penchant for clumsiness and tripped on a grain of dust mere feet from the front door. Down she went with a thud.
Granny snorted and started turning so she could sit up. Luckily for Little Red Riding Hood, it usually took Granny a few minutes to regain any sense of clarity through her drug induced haze. That was more than enough time for the girl to scramble up and make it out of the door. The last thing she heard was Granny’s squeal of delight as she noticed the cookies.
The Big, Bad Wolf knew that Little Red Riding Hood was in the habit of dropping off cookies for Granny. He also knew that Granny had a stash of prescription drugs somewhere in her cottage and he had a serious thorn in his paw about it. No, really. He had a thorn in his paw and he needed something to dull the pain so he could pull it out. He couldn’t go to the hospital or they’d report him to the cops as soon as they saw him. It was so unfair. It wasn’t his fault that he was addicted to the sweet stuff.
He’d been hiding out in Granny’s barn all day, hoping that Little Red Riding Hood would make an appearance. He figured he could kill two birds with one stone as it were so he crept up to the window after she left. What he saw left him licking his lips. Those cookies looked so delicious, and Granny was going to town on them. How could a woman with false teeth eat so fast? If he didn’t make his move soon, there’d be no more left for him. He knew that Granny left her door unlocked, so he pushed it open and ran in, intending to scare her. Unfortunately for him, he wasn’t aware that the cookies were spiked. Granny took one look at her visitor and immediately perked up.
“My, what big ears you have.”
“I can’t help it. All the wolves in my family have big ears.”
“What big eyes you have.”
“Hey, I didn’t ask for them. I’ve got Graves’ disease.”
“What big teeth you have.”
“It’s not my fault. We couldn’t afford braces, or a dentist for that matter, not after Dad ate the last one.”
“Oh my, what a big…”
“Hey! Cut that out! What are you doing?!” The Big, Bad Wolf was most appalled. This wasn’t what he had bargained for. Who knew that an eighty year old grandmother could run so fast? “Stop touching me! Help!”
Fortunately for the Big, Bad (and currently screaming like a little girl) Wolf, the village lumberjack happened to be passing by. Actually, Dick Titball was so much in love with himself that he had to stop every thirty feet to admire his gorgeous, raven locks in his mirror. By happy coincidence, this distance corresponded with Granny’s front gate. He heard someone screaming bloody murder and immediately sprang into action, right after giving his reflection a passionate kiss (with tongue).
The burly woodsman reached for his mighty axe, which he had lovingly named Mabel, and made haste to Grandma’s house. Unfortunately, his reliance on brawn versus brain led him to forget that doors typically need to be opened. The resulting collision rendered him unconscious, which meant that he was only slightly less aware of his surroundings than usual. Red chose that moment to show up with her trusty riding crop. That’s not just fancy writing. She actually chose that moment.
Red had run straight to Granny’s house with visions of sugarplums and old ladies dancing naked on their roofs spinning around her head. She had been ready to barrel in and save Granny from the savage animal in her house when she realized what was going on. It was at that point Red completely lost it. She just couldn’t stop laughing. The cop in her knew that she should break up what essentially amounted to wolf assault, but her twisted sense of humor just needed to see what was going to happen next. By the time Dick Titball had knocked himself flat out, Red was about ready to pee herself. She may have done that very thing had she not heard something she hoped never to hear again…ever.
“Come here big boy. Let mama show you what she can do with these gums.”
Fighting the urge to barf, Red unfurled her red riding crop and burst through Granny’s front door, striking her best superhero pose.
“Unhand that wolf!”
“Ooooooo….I always wanted a threesome.” The sounds of Red’s regurgitation were heard throughout the land. She was still on her knees when the Seven Dwarves and Chief Shufflebottom showed up. Dopey promptly fainted.
Seeing that his best detective was indisposed, and in need of serious psychological help from the looks of it, Chief Shufflebottom motioned to the remaining dwarves to apprehend the pastry thief. He saw them hesitate but then the lopsided grin now gracing the face of the Big, Bad Wolf was a bit disconcerting. Guess he’d have to do this himself. He marched the dazed wolf out to the waiting carriage, trying to ignore it when he blew a kiss to Granny and promised to call her. The woman in question was now combing her hair with a look of supreme boredom.
“We’re very sorry to have gotten you involved in this entire thing ma’am, but you’ve helped us apprehend a terrible nuisance. I’ll send someone over in a little while to take your statement.” Truth be told, Chief Shufflebottom was in a hurry to get out of there. His thong was riding up something fierce. “Come on Red, and could someone kindly wake up Titball?”
He glanced across to Red, who was staring intently at the basket which had fallen to the floor at some point during the, er, excitement. The look on Red’s face as she turned to face Chief Shufflebottom was priceless.
“Chief, these aren’t my cookies.”
I have no excuse for this story…none at all, other than my twisted mind. Oh, except for Red Velour, the characters aren’t mine. I just borrowed them (and traumatized them a bit)