I should hate you.
Anyone else would hate you.
I know a few people who do hate you.
As much as I would be admitting my weaknesses,
There are things I have to say;
Things I kept buried because I didn’t want to hurt you,
Even though the words were eating away at my insides.
You took my validation away
By refusing to ever say the three words you knew I needed to hear.
And I understand it was my own fragility.
I understand that I shouldn’t have needed you to make me whole.
But I did.
Instead you ripped me apart.
You took me from feeling ten feet tall to mere inches.
Do you know what it’s like to feel that you’re not worthy of being loved?
Do you know what it’s like to feel that you’ll never be good enough?
No matter what you do.
No matter what sacrifices you make.
No matter how much you try to just be there.
You’ll never be good enough.
You’ll never be acceptable.
I know what it feels like.
I’ve known it for years.
I’ve known it ever since you decided that anyone else
Would be better than me.
And I’m ashamed of myself for not walking away sooner.
Looking back now I don’t know why I didn’t.
I don’t know why I stayed.
I don’t know why I needed you so much
When you gave me the scraps no one else wanted.
Better late than never I suppose.
The only thing that still hurts
Is not knowing if you ever really cared.
Sometimes, when I’m caught up in the past,
I imagine catching a glimpse of something in your eyes.
Actions speak louder than a look.
What does it matter now?
I’ve finally found the strength to keep from dying a little inside
Every time I hear your voice.
You’ve already proven that you don’t need me.
The time has come to return the favor.
I may never completely heal.
I may always be broken.
I may always possess a heart marred by your scars.
But at least I’m free.