I think the mirrors in my car need to be changed. Clearly, they are not working well. It seems that very fast-moving cars have a tendency to just appear in them at random moments. The most recent example of this phenomenon happened a few days ago.

There I was coming down the highway after work. I was in the middle lane after having overtaken a very slow-moving truck. Having no reason to remain there and not wanting to delay any cars behind me, I decided to move across to the left lane because: 1) I obey the law, silly me, and 2) the truck was certainly in no hurry, nor was it capable of passing me.

I checked my mirrors, saw nothing there and proceeded to turn on my indicator (yes, I drive an older car…it seems that they’re not functional in the newer models). Before I could move across though, this car…*cough*…’airplane’…*cough*… appeared from I don’t know where and flew past me. I swear I felt the breeze even though my windows were up (I’ve been warned against driving with them down ever since an incident which involved me attempting to launch profanities a truck driver who threw something out of his window and my unfortunate passenger trying desperately to roll the glass back up). Thankfully I have both a good heart and good reflexes.

This incident though, has inspired me to put to paper..uh…screen some of my pet peeves when it comes to driving. Of course, I suffer from a massive case of road rage so pretty much everything peeves me.

For those of you who actually understand the purpose of indicators, I commend you. You are a rare breed. A tiny minority though also need to understand the concept of left and right. For the love of God, take in some Sesame Street. There is nothing but grass on your right…why is the right indicator on and the road is on the left?

I am fairly certain that you are not Santa Claus, it is not Christmas time, and you are not driving a sleigh. Therefore, there is no reason why I should see blinking lights behind me unless it is an actual emergency. I do not drive very slowly, but neither am I in a hurry to max out my speedometer. I stick to the left lane unless I am overtaking, which undoubtedly means that I shall return there as soon as I have passed the van which looks like it’s being held together by chewing gum. I am very happy that your car can make it to 200 km/h. Consider taking up night-time drag racing and back the #&*% off.

A truck is classified as a long vehicle in this country. I understand that it may be a case of over-compensation but please do not take out your frustrations over your shortcomings on the rest of us. I am truly happy that you are intelligent enough to locate the accelerator, and have already ordered the medal. However, your grasp of basic physics does concern me. It is much easier to lose control of a heavy vehicle, and much more difficult to stop, when you’re clocking 150. In addition, truck tyres typically ‘kick up’ stones and other assorted debris which can do serious damage to both windscreens and paint jobs. The faster you go, the faster these projectiles are fired. What’s going to happen when a little old lady suddenly gets a busted windscreen and runs off the road into a ditch, or are you so bloody callous that you don’t care about granny?

Unless your facial appearance is similar to the girl from The Exorcist and you will undoubtedly scare me into a heart attack if I look at my rear-view mirror, kindly refrain from trailing my car with your high beams on. I understand that you are just trying to spare me the shock, but I assure you that the consideration is not necessary.

This goes out to certain males of the species. I have absolutely no desire to see your endowments, or lack thereof. Therefore, if you are suddenly stricken with the urge to urinate, please do not whip it out right on the side of the highway for all to see. Not only is it indecent, but I often experience severe nausea from the sight.

You know there are more. I know there are more, but I can’t for the life of me remember them right now. Check back with me after the drive home. I’m sure some idiot will be doing his/her best to amaze me.