I find myself thinking of you every day,
And I don’t want to,
Not when what I desperately need is to find myself.
I’ve been bruised, battered, and made a fool of.
My heart has bled so much that it is in danger of running dry.
I cannot risk a drought.
I have found love before …twice.
And each time that I have fallen hard,
There was nothing to catch me but the cold, unforgiving ground.
‘She’ number one made the promise
She knew I needed to hear:
She would never be the one to hurt me.
I convinced myself that it wasn’t a lie,
And I was happy for a while,
But promises are sometimes destined to be broken,
Whether or not accompanied by intention.
But ‘she’ number two was worse.
Do you know what it’s like to be kept at bay for years?
To be fed just enough scraps that you begin to believe you’re special,
Only to have the truth cruelly shoved in your face?
You’re nothing but a salve for someone else’s ego.
Have you ever had someone come along and imitate your actions,
Earning them a place on the pedestal as a god,
While you are forced to settle with being an afterthought?
Love hasn’t broken me.
It has stripped me bare,
Flayed me alive,
And rubbed salt into my naked flesh.
Do you understand now?
Can you comprehend why I don’t want to think of you?
Why I don’t want to hold your gaze,
And know what’s behind your eyes?
I cannot bring myself to go to that place again.
I have struggled so hard to pull myself out of the shadows.
I fear that you will drown me in the darkness.
Could I survive you?
Could this third time be the charm?
I know that I am a coward.
Know that I am trying but I cannot help it.
My heart is simply too afraid to take that chance.