Author: rdwylder


I miss you, And yes, I do know how pathetic that sounds, Especially coming from me. I’m the one who usually makes light of such things. I’m the one who usually points out the futility Of falling for someone who will never fall in return, Often with a shake of the head And a sad look in my eyes. Yet here I am, doing the same damn thing. I wish there was something I could do, Some pill I could swallow, That could banish all thoughts of you. I haven’t found anything yet. I know exactly how stupid this is. I know that you belong to someone else. I know that, even if you didn’t, There is no reason someone like you Could ever want someone like me. I know that, even if you did, I’m nowhere capable of being the person you need. I know all of that, And I still want you. I still find myself with that little smile on my face Whenever I talk to you. I still find myself thinking about you At the oddest times throughout the day. I still find myself wanting to spend more time with you And not knowing how to ask. I still find myself desiring to know what you’re thinking When you look at me like that And say nothing. I think I might be in trouble here....

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Happy New Year!

Well another year has come and gone, and now it’s time to welcome 2015. Wow. I remember being a kid and having trouble wrapping my mind around the concept of the new millennium, much less fifteen years beyond that. Time really does fly, whether you’re having fun or not. Fun is most certainly not why I haven’t posted anything new over the last few months. For some inexplicable reason, I decided to surrender to my penchant for learning and signed up for a number of online courses. I have therefore been up to my ears on lectures, exams, etc., and will soon be again. But I have not forgotten you. I’m not sure about New Year’s Resolutions, but I have made some Promises To Myself. One of them is to make time for my writing. I was looking through some old emails and I stumbled upon two that I received from published authors. These people actually took time out of their busy schedules to let me know that they liked my short stories. Talk about humbling, and inspirational. I owe it to them, and to all of you, to take time out of my busy schedule to write. So that’s just what I’m going to do. I have two pieces that I’m editing and I plan to submit. Hopefully *fingers crossed* at least one of them will be accepted...

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On The Harm Of Self Harm

I like to think that I don’t shy away from the tough topics. If there’s something I don’t talk about, it’s likely that I just don’t want to, and not that I’m afraid of offending anyone. There are exceptions of course. There are things I don’t like to dwell on because they are painful, but here’s the thing. Do I have a right to not share my story when there’s a chance that doing so might help someone? Sometimes all a person needs to know is that they’re not alone. So I’m going to do something I’ve never done before on this site: share my story, or parts of it at least. For those who know me personally, some may be aware that I have serious abandonment issues. My mother saw fit to walk out on her family when I was just a toddler, leaving me in the hands of an alcoholic father. Luckily he was a happy drunk, but woefully under-prepared to take care of a child. My grandparents stepped in and took responsibility for me, but the damage had already been done. How could a child learn to love themselves when, in their eyes, the one person who was supposed to love them unconditionally didn’t? I grew up believing that something was wrong with me…that I wasn’t worthy of love. It was difficult for me to emotionally...

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Better Than That

Do you know what I remember the most? Being willing to do just about anything for you. When I look back on those times now, It is with a sense of wonder and awe At just how much of me you had. I don’t know how one person could give any more Short of ripping their heart out of their own chest And presenting it on a silver platter. This funniest part of it is, None of that mattered to you. But it mattered to me. All those gifts I could barely afford That never saw the light of day, All those days when I was too tired to move But I still made time for you. All those times you told me just why I wasn’t good enough But I still stayed by your side. All those mattered to me. I never claimed to be perfect. I never claimed that I wouldn’t ever hurt you. I never wanted to lie to you. The only thing I ever promised was that I would try to make you happy. I guess that wasn’t good enough either. You were so quick to write me off. You were so quick to find my flaws And pick at them until they were raw. I never understood why. I made excuses for you, But really they were excuses for myself. They were excuses for...

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I Would, If You’d Let Me

I’m different. I’m distant. I’m not like the others That will profess their love at the drop of a hat. I don’t love you. I don’t believe in love at first sight. I might grow to love you, Or I might not. I cannot see the future. I cannot read your mind. I cannot know what you wish for if you won’t tell me. The only thing I can say for certain Is that I want you. Does that surprise you? It shouldn’t, Or perhaps it should. Sometimes I think I’m being obvious when I’m really not. Sometimes I forget how hard it is to open up. Maybe you’re still oblivious. Somehow I doubt it. I think you know that I yearn for time with you, But I would never ask for it. I think you know that I miss you when you’re gone, But I would never admit it to your face. I think you know that I look at you In a way I haven’t looked at anyone for a long time, But only when I’m sure your attention is elsewhere. It’s not that I’m shy, Although I am. I’m also not foolish enough to believe That someone who could have anyone Would want someone like me. Especially not when you already have someone else. You’re good at hiding, But I’m better at seeing what’s hidden. I’m...

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