Author: rdwylder

Finding Normal (adults only)

Am I attracted to her? I suppose I must be, on some level. I wouldn’t even consider sleeping with her if I wasn’t. That’s the first time I’ve allowed myself to admit it. That’s the first time I’ve allowed myself to admit I’m about to let someone who’s a virtual stranger into my bed. I know it and my heart races a little as I wonder if she knows it too. She must. Our evening’s plans don’t start until eight. It’s a little before three now, and I’m expecting her at any moment. This will be only the fourth time I’m seeing her in person. We met through mutual friends and we’ve been chatting for a few months now. It wasn’t long before harmless banter and mild flirtations became something much more sexual. It wasn’t something I was consciously looking for, but subconsciously? I agreed to meet her. I guess a traditionalist would say that tonight is supposed to be our first date, but there’s nothing traditional about this. I want her. She wants me. And I have something to prove. I wouldn’t call myself a sexual being. Of course sex is important to me. I’m not dead. I’ve simply never gone looking for it. What little experience I have has always been within the confines of a relationship. Then I’m somewhat insatiable, but I’m also damaged. I like...

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On Possibly Living With Asperger’s Syndrome

I have a high incidence of mental illness in my family. Yes, you may now insert jokes about already knowing that here. The point is, it’s always something I’ve been concerned about. No one wants to know that there’s a ticking time bomb in their head just waiting to go off. This has made me very curious about how the mind works – my own in particular. As such, I’m always doing some test or the other online. By now I know that my IQ is supposedly around 130, my spirit animal is supposedly a wolf, and I was supposedly a Chihuahua in my last life. As you can tell, I don’t place much credence is such things. Sure, some of these have been illuminating. I’m also apparently an INFJ and I can see a lot of commonalities between myself and the description of the personality type. The one that really surprised me though was when I decided to take the screening test for Asperger’s Syndrome. Of course I didn’t think it would reveal anything. Sure, I had read up on the condition and it seemed eerily similar to me but I don’t like bandwagons. These days, everybody has something and Asperger’s seems to be the in thing. Supposedly afflicted characters like Reed from Criminal Minds and Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory are sufficiently popular that being like...

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Moth

I miss you, And yes, I do know how pathetic that sounds, Especially coming from me. I’m the one who usually makes light of such things. I’m the one who usually points out the futility Of falling for someone who will never fall in return, Often with a shake of the head And a sad look in my eyes. Yet here I am, doing the same damn thing. I wish there was something I could do, Some pill I could swallow, That could banish all thoughts of you. I haven’t found anything yet. I know exactly how stupid this is. I know that you belong to someone else. I know that, even if you didn’t, There is no reason someone like you Could ever want someone like me. I know that, even if you did, I’m nowhere capable of being the person you need. I know all of that, And I still want you. I still find myself with that little smile on my face Whenever I talk to you. I still find myself thinking about you At the oddest times throughout the day. I still find myself wanting to spend more time with you And not knowing how to ask. I still find myself desiring to know what you’re thinking When you look at me like that And say nothing. I think I might be in trouble here....

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Happy New Year!

Well another year has come and gone, and now it’s time to welcome 2015. Wow. I remember being a kid and having trouble wrapping my mind around the concept of the new millennium, much less fifteen years beyond that. Time really does fly, whether you’re having fun or not. Fun is most certainly not why I haven’t posted anything new over the last few months. For some inexplicable reason, I decided to surrender to my penchant for learning and signed up for a number of online courses. I have therefore been up to my ears on lectures, exams, etc., and will soon be again. But I have not forgotten you. I’m not sure about New Year’s Resolutions, but I have made some Promises To Myself. One of them is to make time for my writing. I was looking through some old emails and I stumbled upon two that I received from published authors. These people actually took time out of their busy schedules to let me know that they liked my short stories. Talk about humbling, and inspirational. I owe it to them, and to all of you, to take time out of my busy schedule to write. So that’s just what I’m going to do. I have two pieces that I’m editing and I plan to submit. Hopefully *fingers crossed* at least one of them will be accepted...

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On The Harm Of Self Harm

I like to think that I don’t shy away from the tough topics. If there’s something I don’t talk about, it’s likely that I just don’t want to, and not that I’m afraid of offending anyone. There are exceptions of course. There are things I don’t like to dwell on because they are painful, but here’s the thing. Do I have a right to not share my story when there’s a chance that doing so might help someone? Sometimes all a person needs to know is that they’re not alone. So I’m going to do something I’ve never done before on this site: share my story, or parts of it at least. For those who know me personally, some may be aware that I have serious abandonment issues. My mother saw fit to walk out on her family when I was just a toddler, leaving me in the hands of an alcoholic father. Luckily he was a happy drunk, but woefully under-prepared to take care of a child. My grandparents stepped in and took responsibility for me, but the damage had already been done. How could a child learn to love themselves when, in their eyes, the one person who was supposed to love them unconditionally didn’t? I grew up believing that something was wrong with me…that I wasn’t worthy of love. It was difficult for me to emotionally...

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